Category: Dating and Relationships
Hello, Everyone. What do you think about the guys who say they love you but don't pay as much atention to you, if not any at all?
There's a lot I could say about this, so I'll try to do so without rambling.
First, I feel as though love is one of those words that everyone tosses around like a basketball nowadays. They say I love you to each other without as much consideration. I bet if you asked them what they thought love was, they would either give you some vague answer or not be able to define it.
When it comes down to the guy, or guys, who say it but don't prove it through any actions, that's a red flag. You shouldn't listen to them and let them go, because all they will do is hurt you. They have some growing up and self-reflecting to do.
In my opinion, if a guy is going to tell me he loves me. I just laugh. I know its not true and I've not loved those who said they did anyways. I don't think you can say you love someone when your dating, maybe a year from the starting point. But heh.
for the record, women do this, too. I think, though, that those who say others don't know what love is, are indirectly saying they don't, either, but wish they did.
I went through a phase where I was pretty jaded and confused about the meaning of love, but I eventually came to realize that love is different things for different people, and even for the same person from relationship to relationship. Feelings usually aren't all or nothing, though they can be. They usually run on a continuum, and people would do well to examine their inner experiences enough to understand the shades of gray, and the different degrees to which they feel and understand things, both about themselves and those they get involved with. Once you can do that, you're better equipped to tell someone whether you love them or not. And, even if you think you do at the time, but later discover that you don't, I don't think there's any harm in having said those words. Some people would call that blatant deceit, but, as I just said, there are so many gray areas when it comes to relationships that it's not that simple.
As for people who say one thing and do another, that's different. They say actions speak louder than words, and in most cases that's true. You have to take a person's words with a grain of salt when they're clearly showing you that they don't mean what they're saying.
Yes, I like the post before mine.
I never say I love anyone until we have spent much time together.
My problem though is if I say I love you you will have it for life. I have the problem of not being able to unlove someone.
That doesn't mean we have to be together, or even get along, but once I love them I will always be there for them if they need me in some way.
I personally would not believe a man or woman that told me they loved me after a few dates or some good sex. They just lust me is all.
so true, wayne. I agree a hundred percent with your post. for once. lol. kidding. :P
***** ShatteredSanity
Love, for me, takes a while to develop. I am in the I cannot un-love someone camp. i still care about my ex, Herbie, even though he really hurt me and betrayed my trust after we'd been together almost seven years. i would never, ever be with him again in a million years, but if he needed a place to stay for a week or something, sure, I'd do it. Would I cry for years if something happened to him tomorrow? no, I wouldn't. But would i be a little sad for a little while, sure I would. I have found I can go from hating someone to loving them, but this takes years. There are different amounts of which i love people, but I don't say i love you, unless I mean it in some way.
Take Care,
dawnielle
Yeah, I agree with green turtle. Love is so many different things, to so many different people. I have told people that I loved them and realized later that I didn't mean it, but then again, I have told people I love them, and then found that life happened and circumstances changed, so that I was no longer in love, but that didn't mean I hadn't been in love at the time I said it.
Love gets thrown around too carelessly nowadays, 100%, so I think in this case, actions speak louder than words.
in life, actions speak louder than words, period. as has been said, if someone says one thing, and their actions prove otherwise, it's best to believe that.
also, I don't agree with what some of you've said about love meaning different things to different people.
there are different ways you can love a person, and certainly things you can love about them, but, generally speaking, at least in regards to the handfull of people I've talked to about this very thing, everyone knows what love is, to some extent.
another thing I don't agree with, is how some of you say that you loved someone, then later decided you didn't.
I'd say that isn't love, but being deceptive, or not taking the time to get to know your true feelings about yourself/the other person.
I feel very strongly about this. either you love someone, or you don't. however, it's never okay to say you do if you don't, no matter what society has tried to instill in us.
if you think you love someone, why not wait to tell the person till you know for sure whether it's truthful?
put yourself in that position. if it were you, would you want someone to come along and say those words to you, then later have them say, "oh, I actually didn't love you, but I thought that was what you'd wanna hear, so I said it?"
Nowadays? Really? Is this the old folks' home?
People have used both love and hate casually for centuries to get what they wanted. Simply because they're volatile emotions that stimulate some pretty base responses in the human brain.
I think in a romantic relationship people have the problem of requiring love, or that someone say I love you, before they feel right about giving themselves to the other person.
I’d go so far to say it is not the other persons fault when you decide the strength of their love for you based on the words.
You project your desires on the other persons feeling, and when you learn they didn’t love you as you felt they did you have to think, how did you know how they really felt?
Many people get angry, because they’ve given something to the other person, like sex, or a gift, after they learn the person didn’t love them as they felt, and that isn’t right to me.
How it was the persons fault because you give yourself to them?
I often times ask myself is it my responsibility to decide if a person that is of proper age and mental stableness should be involved with me?
If I’m good to her, and treat her with kindness, fairness, and she enjoys this, but later on find that there are things about her that make me not like her as much, so I decide it is in my best interest to separate from her was I wrong?
I tend to look at this situation from the prospective of if I want to be with a person, and I put myself in the situation, I am responsible for my feelings, and when they don’t give me back what I want from them it is me that much decide to continue or not.
I can’t in my heart blame them for accepting what I was freely giving them.
If I’m not being treated well, I need to stop it, and not be angry with them. I saw it, I knew it, and so whose fault was it? Mine.
The only exception to that rule is if things are hidden from you, and they come to light later. The blame is not yours for what they did, and you can feel wronged, but the blame is on you for what you decide to do about it.
Of course the heart is as hearts are, so there is no shame in hurting, but that hurt should only be for a while, then you should move past it, because you are the only person that suffers. When you suffer over much you are being unfair to yourself.
I gave up the practice of saying I love you as I stated before until I understand I won’t unloved you. I don’t expect it back because I’ve given it at that time either, so if a person goes away from me I am sad, but not angry.
The goodness of sharing, laughing, and pleasure is wonderful, and waiting around until you think its love seems a waste of joy.
I also think the price of loving is well worth the pain of loss. I will always love and love hard.
leo, I wasn't saying that it's uncommon for people to act in such a manner, but simply stating that I've never felt they should go to such lengths.
Wayne, you're right on. couldn't have said it better myself.
guys who say "I love you" don't even mean it 90 percent of the time; it is just another way of saying "I want to screw you". so I wouldn't take it seriously.
If we were to fill out that old outdated stereotype, we would also add that women who say they love you only want into your wallet and want you to pay for things.
Of course, I in reality think there are some of those people, on both sides, but probably a very silent majority who don't manipulate to get their way.
leo is right.
I'm curious about post 9. Why, if this guy hurt you and betrayed your trust, would you allow him back in your home if he needed a place to stay?
lol leo. what I meant was, if someone (male, or female for that matter) claims to love someone they've only dated for like a few days, or a week, or a month etc. the chances that its real love are slim to none, imo. Maybe they really like the person, or love some qualities the person has, but to say its real, honest love? I'm not a believer in love at first sight, rather, I strongly believe it takes significant time, and really getting to know the person before you can develop those kind of feelings. But i've never been "in love," so maybe I don't know what I'm talking about. lol.
So when I said I told someone I loved them, then later realized I didn't mean it, I guess I meant that, at the time I said it, I was too immature to fully understand the meaning of love, and misinterpreted lust or a sense of connection as true love. I think naive people do this all the time and it isn't really a crime. Yeah, people get hurt, but a lot of why I misinterpreted my feelings for love is because of the ways I'd been hurt in the past. I'm not sure if that will make sense, but there it is. I'm much more careful about how I use the l-word now, nonetheless.
Lol, yeah, I guess I shouldn't have said nowadays. It's always been thrown around unnecessarily.
Many good points. As to love at first sight? I have never loved at first sight, but the Chick I am with loved me at first sight, before I knew this. She knew that is what it was, because I am a very different person to her typical circle of people. I did tell her I loved her a couple months after we met, and I meant it. Of course it in part meant I wanted to be with her sexually, to pet her soft hair, to hear her voice. So femitheists / other religious people, deal with it: we're not eunuchs. Lol. That has not changed.
But also when I said I loved her I meant she was someone I would do things for, make her food, help her with her things, stick up for her, help her, and even just be in Her presence. I know many men who feel this way. It will be more constructive for you, instead of the blanket questions about all men, to pose a question about a specific man and a specific situation. Someone who knows a lot about relationships might then be able to answer you. I cannot tell you why a man or woman would have manipulated, I can only guess. I am not a manipulator, I'm not a reformed manipualator, and I'm not somehow righteous or better because of it: I'm just wired with my own needs, some of which some on here have scorned, and some like the need to support her and help her, in today's society people think it's a fine thing, or maybe some will claim is just fashionable and none of that is true.
The reason I'm responding to this, I see these things on Twitter now:
"Why do men rape?"
"Why do men abandon their children?"
and on, and on, and on.
Since I don't manipulate like post 1 is talking about, I am not really qualified to answer.
Since I don't rape, I'm not qualified to answer that one either.
And since I did not abandon my daughter, I am not qualified to even answer that.
You see, I didn't just "not do these things," they are just out of my orbit. They're things I read about others doing, but have no interest in, myself.
The key here is no interest. I believe I am speaking for most, or at least many, men. In real life, not in your dogmas, religious texts, or your femitheist textbooks. But in real life, these questions are posted to Twitter and Facebook, and The Zone too apparently.
You're obviously in pain due to a bad situation. I think everyone with a human beating heart can sympathize, if not always empathize. But you see, when you lash out at an entire group, and we are all guilty, then the only one who wins is the person who misused you. I have known users in real life, and they thrive on what many women do, by blaming all of us. They lov"a it: It means the so-called good guys like me get equal bad treatment as them, and they are not really shamed. After all, there's no shame if your whole group is villified. But when equitable and fair judgment is applied, then the rapist and the sexual harasser,
and the wife beater, and all the other groups you write about on Twitter, are finally dealt with.
Would you, for instance, write a post like this?
"Why do houses burn down? I mean, houses are such terrible things! They burn down!"
You know what? I know several people who are survivors of house fires. Those are truly tragic things. And yet I have never seen them villify all houses.
Instead, I've seen them be constructive and helpful in improving how the rest of us understand fire. Fire, not houses.
I have never seen one go and teach all the little houses what terrible things they will probably be some day, burning down and causing tragedy. That would be silly, just as it is silly what is done in this case. Very few humans, comparatively speaking, are manipulators, rapists, or any of the rest from your popular media and religions.
It is true that those few cause untold devastation, and untold devastation is the understatement of the year for describing the damage.
But most of us not only don't do these things, but cannot say with honesty that we even understand those who do.
Sure there's a lot of word-turds flying around and many will want to be the good guy and spew forth some of these. I did when I was younger also.
After all, we were to pay for the indiscresions of our fathers and those elusive ones who used some of you.
But I quit that a few years ago: I was only fooling myself if I ever thought any of that quick agreement lent a hand to some poor victim in need. And that is all any human with a beating heart wants to do in that situation.
So definitely ask: Ask about your real situation, rather than blanket all men, all blacks, all atheists, all gays or whatever other group happens to be popular today to villify.
You're lucky on this site: There happen to be quite a few psych majors and other people in human services fields. They can halp you, I bet, in understanding your situation.
But you have to say what's really happening.
Do you think I could help someone who came to me and just said, "Why do all Windows machines crash?"
They have a real problem, they really want and need help, but I can't because they're hiding behind generalizations only. In the end they get nothing, but deserved to get all the help they could, so in the end it is sad for humans, only good for dogmatists and interests who thrive on these types of generalizations.
Sir Leo, I never meant to say that only men do those things, woman do things I hate too. Some are bossy as hell, some are materialistic, Some say to have the pants in the relationship and feel they have power. And as they say there are guys who are pussywhipped by manipulative women who have them by the balls. Women think they have the power to get what they want with their boddy. I'm not saying all do these things, but how women treat the good guys out there. So I apologize if I sounded that way.
My point was, it sounds like you were crying out in pain and distress. Only no one can help because nobody knows the specifics of yournotalone issue. It's only natural but try and describe if you can and someone can help. A distressed cry is nature's way to alert other humans of your nree but only that there's a human with an injury.
My point was, it sounds like you were crying out in pain and distress. Only no one can help because nobody knows the specifics of yournotalone issue. It's only natural but try and describe if you can and someone can help. A distressed cry is nature's way to alert other humans of your nree but only that there's a human with an injury.
love, such a simple 4 character words with much more inverted meaning and feeling in it.
In english language, that is only one word for such feeling, love, as parental love, friendship kind of love, keenship, and of course, lovers love and couple love.
This word also often being aabuse by both males and females, be use, in situations that one or more party can get what they want. The question is, do you love this guy, and if you do, what have you done to show your love to him.
I love you is such a simple phrase to type over and over again, however, to feel, or to say the simple sentent takes courage and strength, and, more so, feelings.
I suppose, what i trying to say is, are you bother by him saying he love you but doing nothing about it. If you bother, that could mean you like him and hoping for more in the action department. Even so, perhaps you also need to ask yourself what have you done as a return to his so call love.
If you don't bother about him saying he loves you, then, i'm not very sure why you bother to post. :)
I understand, thanks for posting. :)